My first question is how did you feel tonight?
Tonight? Oh, you mean on the concert?
On the concert, at the party?
I thought… uhm… It’s kind'a sad… beautiful and sad at the same time. You understand, performing here ain't like performing in London, uh... sorta... like...we're spoiled, you know we're kind of spoiled and people here - if they like you, they really like you, there's no bullshit, there's no uhm... so I felt kinda sad...
Sad for what?
For the people. There's a lot'a real people here, you know, you can do any major city, right, so like London, Paris, L.A. New York, it's a different vibe, people are really feeling it, and i feel a lot of pain, even when people are cool and are happy, there's pain here... so : sad.
And how did you feel in the club?
Oh, you have to turn that off for me to tell you. (from this moment of my mini disc recorder is being switched off an on many times - sometimes because secret things are being said)
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There were always women in your music, there were always women singing your lyrics, why do you feel the need to put a woman there?
Because my lyrics ain't just male you know, it's like my lyrics are more female than male, so it's like ... uhm I'm speaking, i think, it's from my mother's point of view, and a man can do that. I have a woman's point of view. I was brought up by my grandmother and my great grandmother, and then my aunties, they were the biggest influence on me... So I have a point of view as a woman, and there's no way i can do that with my voice, I need a woman.
There are many musical and textual quotes in your music, is there a concept behind them, or do they come with flow?
No, it's like... I live every day it's just living, i just live... so people might say you're not normal, you're strange, you're hideous. I say what i wanna say. Like for instance I told you what maybe I shouldn't tell you, right? But I don't care. I say what i feel and i do what i mean. So I don't care. I know I'm only here for a short period of time, life is very short, so I try to be as passionate as I can in my life. because it's very short. So I'm giving myself to life, cause I don't know how long I'm gonna be here. So I'm just... life is very short.
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You said there was something in Sofia that made you feel as if you have been here before...
The struggle...
Can you tell the whole story again, because we were in the car, and I couldn't record it...
Well, basically when I got off the plane... even when you're flying in you can see the struggle here, there's a struggle here, and you haven't been spoiled, and I come from the same thing. You know about struggling, my music is struggling. And I got some people, who like my music, who have no clue about struggling. I say, OK, but my music is about struggling, it's about the difficulties of life, whether you're rich or poor, it's about trying to keep your head above the water, trying to survive... and Sofia feels like that. It feels like struggling and it's truing to survive.
It feels like a council estate?
Yeah. One big council estate. And it's more criminal then... Like, I've read books about Bulgaria, right, and there's some criminal shit going on, right, it's some organized crime state, right.That's how bad things have gotten. the people who run Bulgaria are not the government, it's organized crime, that's how bad it is. Governmentcan't control this. I'm not saying that's good or bad, but it's the situation of feeling and it's crazy, it's insane, the whole law structure and everything, but you people still breathe, you're still alive, and you still get on with it.
I know you've been involved in some social projects in places like that, tell me more about you social work.
I've tried things in ghettos and I've done things in certain places, but it's hard to carry on, because you need government funding to carry on. And what I see in Bulgaria or England - the government don't give a fuck. They don't care about people living in these flats. So I've tried things, but it's hard to keep it going on with my own money. I'm not a millionaire, I'm not a pop star, so I try but it's hard and it gets to the point where it's depressing because you wanna try something and you go to local government and local council and they don't wanna help you, so it's frustrating. But I'm trying all the time.
What else do you struggle for?
Real honesty. I struggle to be honest and real. Like i told you. I know life is short, and anybody who thinks differently is stupid, whether you're 12 or you're 50 life is very short. So I try to live, I try to say things I won't say, or I don't wanna say, and I make myself say it, because I don't wanna say it and I don't wanna do it. So I'm trying to express that. Anything I'm scared off - I try and run towards.
Your lyrics often uncover things that are somehow painful...
Oh, no I have no problems with that. I have no problems with pain. I think forward. I have no problem with pain.
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Just thank you to Sofia, and thank you... All the people there tonight. They give me so much on stage, they give me so much... It's like... uhm... I don't deserve them, and I'm just thankful. That's it.
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You said you're not a good person. Why do you think so?
Well, I'm corrupted. I'm not pure anymore. I'm corrupted. I'm not naive. I'm a little bit of a devil.
When did you feel this way for the first time?
Oh, I've been like this since I was young.A bit of a devil, ya know, I'm corrupted since i was young. And I got into music but there's a always been a little bit of corruption in me, which I can't get out.
There's always the desire to be on the dark side?
No, no, I don't wanna be on any side. It's just me. It just is how I grew up.I just grew up slightly corrupt.
I know it's a strange leap of thought, but today on the concert I thought that in your lives there are these moments that somehow resemble a ritual...
It resembles my madness. It's how live is in my head. It's slightly crazy. None of this is really not normal, do ya know what I mean, so it's slightly crazy.
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Do you often think of death?
No, I don't think of death often, but I think of life all the time. I realize you can live now. This is all we got - it's now, no past, no future, we got this right now. So anything you think or feel you should express it right now.
I'm asking because there's a lot of fear in your music...
That's not from death. That's from me wanting to say things I might be scared of. I'm not scared of death, I'm scared of life. I'm just trying to get used to living for now. Right, now this is it, this is
all we got, I've just realized it a few years ago, this is all we got. There's nothing else. There's no past, there's no present, all we got is now. So I'm just learning to live, and learning to live every day that I gotta live. If I wake up tomorrow I have to live. I'm learning about every day, I mean every day is like a moment, every day is like a monument - it's a big thing. Ain't just like I wake up and i go shopping and i get food... You wake up - it's a big deal. You wake up - it's a big, big situation, that's like really big. So I'm just learning about if I wake up. It means something important is going on. To be alive is very fucking big. I look at thing and I wake in the morning and I'm like : "Wow... Fuck! I'm still here!"
Does it make you want to celebrate?
I celebrate every day. No, it just makes me wanna be me. Makes me wanna be alive, it makes me wanna say things people don't wanna hear, act the way people don't want me to act. To be honest with them even when they don't want honesty. Just makes me wanna be here.
You said that there was a moment when you realized that. Is there a special story?
No special story. All of a sudden I just realized, fuck, you worry about this, and you worry about that, you know the minor things you wary about, and all of the sudden you realize that, fuck, I'm here. Don't matter about my bills, or this or that, I'm here, I'm right here. And now is important. There's no tomorrow. There's no yesterday. History... we all love history, but the only thing we have is right fucking now. Whether that's someone with millions of dollars or someone who's got no money. Right now this is all we got. This second in time. This is our life right now. So... I can't decide anything, as this is all I got right now. This is us right now, this is our lives. You're doing an interview now, right? And now this is our lives, there's nothing else. We don't know if we're gonna get to the next day, this is it. We live now. People forget to live now. We are alive now, not yesterday, not tomorrow. So you might think about your pension plan, or your talalalala, we ain't got that, we got now. I'm alive now and I wanna live now.
Doesn't that change when you have a child?
No, I know what you're talking, mate, it's true, because it's now, my kid is now. My kid is into... she listens to now music, it's all about now, it's all about living right fucking now. There's no tomorrow. I got no worry of my kid. She lives now. Everything she listens to, everything she does is now. She knows how to live. It's about now.
You are never seduced to have plans or...
I think you worry about that. This is you asking me. It's the fears you have.
Maybe, sometimes...
Listen, you can't fear tomorrow or yesterday, you're not promised tomorrow. It's right now you're alive and you're breathing. Tomorrow you might not wake up, but now you are alive. This is it. It doesn't get no better, and it doesn't get no worse. You haven't been living have you? Oh, planning is good. You got a plan. Obviously it's a part of life, but then again, what can you plan for? And I agree with you planning is good. It's good to have a plan don't get me wrong. But at the end of the day, if you look at it, what are you planning for? You don't know if you're gonna make it through tomorrow. I could go out of here tomorrow and die in a plane crash, or a car crash, or whatever. You know you plan and you hope for the best, but what are we really planning for? Tomorrow doesn't owe you anything. So tomorrow doesn't have to be there for you. Tomorrow isn't a friend you've been there for all through these years, and they say I'm gonna be there for you tomorrow. Time doesn't owe you anything. Space, God, whatever you call it, doesn't owe you anything. You might now wake up tomorrow. Or even if you do wake up tomorrow you might die in the process of waking up, or you might die later. That's life. No one's promised anything, you have to live a hundred percent now. Mistakes an all. What are you're mistakes, you're good, you're bad, you're nice, you have to live...
But where do you find hope from?
Hope is living. From living. I get hope from knowing I'm alive. I woke up this morning. I'm traveling to so-and-so. Hope breathing, it's being alive, that's what hope is. You see, this is the thing, we got confused with... about hope is tomorrow... about heaven is when you die... No, hope is now. I hope for something today, and if tomorrow I wake up I might get it. And then again I might not get it. Hope is right here right now.
